I Am A Birth Mom

In the words of C.S. Lewis, “Love is unselfishly choosing for another’s highest good.”

These words can really be applied to the love that you have for anyone. As a wife and a mommy, this is something that I try diligently to remember and to live by. I fail sometimes.

These words resonate within my soul because I have made choices that do not abide. I have selfishly done things that were motivated by my own wants and needs. I can’t say that I have made an equal amount of selfless decisions. I’m forever working on that. There is one though; a choice that I know for certain (and with no regret) was the epitome of choosing another’s higher good; a choice that was so confusing, yet so planned out beyond my comprehension; a choice that can legitimately be labeled as the hardest thing I have ever done, yet it came with so much ease. This choice was adoption.

The First 7 Months

There’s no question about how I felt when that pregnancy test read positive in the movie theater bathroom. Yup. After drinking a diet coke, and before the movie started (pretty sure it was Harry Potter), I couldn’t wait another second to know for sure if what I was scared of was actually true. It was. Clear blue true. It felt like my heart and my stomach were about to fall out of my butt. I had no idea how I was going to tell my parents, let alone host a baby inside of my uterus. For a reason that I will ALWAYS understand, I never doubted myself in the realm of motherhood. I came from a good and loving family, with good women who depicted motherhood. As terrified as I was about sharing this unplanned and embarrassing news to my parents, there was a familiar place within my heart that knew they would not let me walk this journey alone. To be honest, I was more scared about telling them because that basically meant telling them that I was having sex, but they already knew that. DREADFUL!

My parents did not kill me. They did not yell at me. They did not even give me a single look that made me feel judged. The disappointment was there…because that’s what parents are supposed to do. Even though I was an “adult” (hardly), they still had to teach me about how irresponsible actions can lead to unexpected and difficult situations. Dwelling on it was not part of their lesson. And neither was pressuring me into something that I did not want to do.

I needed them…and my whole family…more than any other moment in my life. My mom and dad told me that they were proud of me for choosing life, because we all know the other option…and it’s probably just as difficult a choice. PROUD OF ME! Not something you expect to hear in a situation like that. Only once did they ask me about my intentions in terms of raising the baby or choosing adoption. At the time, my response was a big fat “no way.” I couldn’t imagine giving MY baby to another family. For the first seven months, I was preparing (as best I could) to be a single mom.

Who would have thought that picking out baby furniture would lead to a choice that forever changed the lives of so many people?

When You Know, You Know

I will never forget the day that my heart told me that I was not ready. A wave of emotions crashed over me, but I definitely did not feel like I was drowning. To be honest, the conclusion I was making in my head was lifting a heavy weight off my heart. I felt like I was hand picked to be the home for this unborn baby while she grew, and she was hand picked to make someone else’s family complete.

On that day, just hours before I told my parents “this doesn’t feel right,” my mom, sister, and I went to Baby’s 1st Furniture to pick out all the things. Something so special about that moment was that my sister was picking out furniture for her second daughter. Our due dates were just eight days apart! While it was exciting to be putting together a nursery, something was not right with my soul. I had no idea what was wrong or why I was feeling that way. I ignored it for the duration of that little outing. We even put a down payment on a crib and a glider. The whole way home, I remember feeling like I was sinking. Looking back, it was more than likely an anxiety attack because shit was getting so real! Maybe there’s something about being home, in a place that feels safe for me to be honest about how I feel…because the second I sat down in my parents’ huge, red chair…I knew exactly why I was feeling so weighed down.

This was not my time to be a mommy. This innocent life was not created for me. That’s not to say that I was feeling like I would never be deserving of a family and babies! I never lost hope in that. But this baby…this beautiful gift was not mine to have. Remember when my parents asked about adoption? That was six months before this moment, and they never brought it up again. I knew I had to listen to my heart. I couldn’t ignore this. I wish I could remember exactly what I said to my parents, but whatever it was, I was sure that I wanted to learn more about adoption. When you know, you know.

Once the door to adoption was open, literally everything started falling in to place. My parents and I did our homework about adoption agencies in Houston, and even researched out of town agencies and private adoption. It was one of those experiences where you can really feel God’s hand in everything. After feeling a little uneasy about one particular agency, I began to feel defeated. I never doubted my decision, but I started to feel like the direction I was going wasn’t the right one for Caroline. I prayed harder than ever, and my prayers were heard loud and clear.

Alternatives in Motion. This is the agency where I would ultimately pick a mommy and daddy for this little girl. This is also the agency where my middle school best friend’s parents adopted their son. Adoption was all around me, and for a REASON! After meeting with the wonderful women who helped with our adoption process, and after learning more about how it would ALL work, I was given five books (out of several). Each book was filled with pictures and stories of a family longing for something that I had. Whether it was infertility or simply wanting to create a save haven for babies born into very broken homes, these families were calling out to be parents. This process took a toll on my emotions…not because I was placing my baby in the hands of her adoptive parents…but because I couldn’t give a baby to every single one of the mothers who were longing to become a mommy. I was told to take my time. I was also told that I could take the books home with me…but we hardly got out of the parking lot before I had already made my decision. We were sitting in the Whataburger drive thru right next to the agency when my parents told me that this was entirely up to me, but that their hearts were pulling for one family in particular. Mine was too. Mike and Jennifer.

We turned that car back into the parking lot. I walked back in just 15 minutes after leaving, and I told those wonderful ladies that I had made my choice. This was when things got very emotional. This was yet another moment where I was reminded just how powerful God really is. Mike and Jennifer had been trying to have a baby for 10 years. TEN YEARS! That was half of my life at that point. I learned that Mike and Jennifer went through fertility treatment and lost a baby. I learned that Mike and Jennifer chose to adopt after experiencing such heartache. I learned that Mike and Jennifer were previously selected to adopt a baby, but the birth mother changed her mind at the hospital…the day the baby was born…the day they were supposed to go home with a child. I learned that Mike and Jennifer never felt like that baby was meant to be theirs. That day, I learned that Mike and Jennifer had not yet brought home a baby because God was waiting to give them Caroline Anna.

Trusting God’s Plan

After two months of meeting and falling in love with Mike and Jennifer—two months of building a relationship with the mommy and daddy who would love my daughter exactly the way I needed her to be loved—the day had finally come. My water broke (in Galveston) on my due date. That baby girl knew when she was supposed to grace the world with her presence. That baby girl had God’s arms wrapped around her. As much as I trusted and believed that I was making the right choice, it did not come without tears and heartache. For anyone who has loved a child, you might be able to imagine what it would feel like to place them in the arms of a different (very deserving) family.

Caroline Anna was born on July 31, 2010 at 5:37 PM. She came into the world seeing and hearing her adoptive parents. Mike and Jennifer were both in the room when I delivered Caroline. Mike and Jennifer held hands as they cut the umbilical cord together. I wanted that for them, and they wanted it just as much. Caroline was immediately placed on my chest, and I sat there for a few moments just to let her hear my heart—the same heart that beat for her for nine months, and that would always love her so deeply. That entire experience is difficult to put into words. It symbolized something for all of us that isn’t easily recognized or understood unless you’re in it. One thing was for certain…we were all connected by this tiny little human.

The next two days were the hardest. I’ll never forget taking an online final for one of my classes while Caroline lay in her little baby cart, and it was the perfect distraction. I had so many visitors—all of these people came because they loved me and Caroline and Mike and Jennifer. On the night before I would leave the hospital, without this beautiful baby, my dearest friend Rene came to stay with me. Having her there was exactly what I needed. I knew I had made distractions for myself so that I could prolong the inevitable sadness that I would feel. I needed to cry. So I cried—and cried, and cried, and cried—on the bed, in the shower, on the bathroom floor. How could something so beautiful and with so much clarity be so sad? This baby was a part of me. I never lost faith and I never stopped trusting God, but it was still hard as f*ck. That last day at the hospital was when I realized I needed a moment alone to hold my first born child and tell her what she means to me. Nothing I said could justify the love I had for her. But above all of that, I needed her to know how much Mike and Jennifer loved her. She brought so much happiness that day and every day since then. Mike and Jennifer are so very lucky, but I feel even luckier to have had the privilege of growing such a special person.

Adoption is hard. Adoption is beautiful. Adoption is not for everyone.

Adoption was for us.

“If a mother can love more than one child,
then certainly a child can love more than one mother...”