Anna Zizinia

This may be the part in this blogging process that stumped me the most…and that had me going back and forth about launching this website. I started to search way too deeply (for way too long) for reasons why people would be drawn to reading my posts. Are they interesting enough? Are they going to be helpful? Will other moms think that I am not doing enough busy shit to even be able to start a blog about it all? Then (this morning…three weeks later…) I thought "WHO CARES!?” Right now, I am doing this for me and for the people who do stumble upon my blog. So here I go…diving in to tell you all about myself.

Something I always dreamed about. I was never the girl who had a scrapbook of magazine clippings from wedding articles. I never painted the mental image of the perfect ceremony, reception, dress, ring, etc. I always pictured the perfect dude, especially once I started dating. Process of elimination is necessary when dating and thinking about marriage…and to be honest, it’s only possible when you love yourself. We will get into that later.

The perfect dude. He’s very much imperfect, like the rest of humanity…but he replicates that image I have had in my head all these years. Drew is tall. Drew is handsome. Drew can rock a beard. Drew is funny. Drew is annoying. Drew encourages me to love who I am. Drew is passionate. Drew is driven. Drew is successful. Drew loves me and our daughters with every bit of his heart and soul.

Drew and I actually met for the first time when I was pregnant with my first daughter, Caroline—I talk more about that below. I was very, very pregnant. Like…8 months pregnant. Fast forward two years. I was in a serious relationship when Drew and I crossed paths again. I vividly remember chatting with Drew about his idea of the perfect girl. I even tried to set him up with a couple of my friends.

Little did he know (I knew 😉) he was describing me. Drew wanted someone to hunt with. 🙋 Drew wanted someone who understood his passion for the outdoors. 🙋 Drew likes brunettes, despite his previous choices in women. 🙋 Drew wanted someone who could make him laugh. 🙋 Also, little did he know…he brought out things in me that I didn’t even know I was capable of. Drew drives me crazy, sometimes. But he drives me.

I am not sure that I believe in soul mates. I believe that certain people are meant to love, survive, and thrive together. But I also believe that there is more than one person in the world with whom we could live out our lives. Drew is my person. And I made a promise to him, no matter how shitty or exhausting things get around here, I will choose to love him with whatever inkling of compassion I have left until death parts us. I would like to believe that if (Heaven forbid) anything ever happened to Drew, someone else in this world could love us the way he does. For now, I choose him.

Oh, sweet Jesus, how I longed for this.

My “becoming a mom” story is not as heart wrenching as the beautiful mothers that I know who have struggled with fertility. My story can actually be told from the complete opposite side. I was the young and irresponsible 20 year old who had no business getting pregnant. I was not deserving of it. But someone else was. Click here to read about Sweet Caroline her adoption.

Fast forward seven years—and a few more bad decisions later…(I was still young and trying to figure things out. Sue me.) Drew and I found out we were pregnant just four short months after we got married. Charlotte Louise was born on March 27, 2017. The most joyful day of my life. As unworthy as I felt, this baby girl was given to us! I must be somewhat deserving, or else God wouldn’t have chosen me to be her mommy.

I longed for her. Since I can remember, I have always wanted to be a mommy. After I had Caroline, that feeling intensified times a trillion. I would hold her and stare at her tiny little lips and her round-as-a-pancake face. Drew and I were in awe. We still are. Charlotte is fierce. She is fearless. She is hilarious and fun! She is has such a wild and free spirit. She knows how to test her boundaries. Her love for the outdoors grows more and more the older she gets, and she’s got Drew wrapped around her sticky little finger. She has so many qualities that I see in her daddy…the same qualities I fell in love with. So really, I fall in love with Drew all over again when I watch her grow. Drew and I told each other on more than one occasion “I have never loved something so much. It almost hurts.”

And then there was Lexi Ann.

Alexandra Ann was born on May 30, 2018. YUP! You read that right. Our babies are 14 months apart. We clearly wasted no time getting pregnant six months after having our first! People have cracked innocent jokes like “Woah! That was fast. You know how that works, right?” Cue side eye. No, strange Walgreens woman I have never met before…enlighten me. Of course we know all there is to know about ovulation and when you “can and can’t” get pregnant—or at least now we do. I’m going to be honest…I know what it means to get pregnant when you TRULY were not trying. It’s not like my 20 year old self was sitting on her bed in College Station, eating Layne’s chicken, sipping on a diet coke, watching a Friends rerun thinking “you know what I want to do? I want to get pregnant. That’d be really neat!” No. That pregnancy was sincerely unplanned. Our second pregnancy was not unplanned. We knew. I’d be lying through my teeth if I said we weren’t trying. That’s not to say Drew agrees, but that’s neither here nor there.

Lexi was all the proof that our fragile new parent souls needed to debunk the thought that we couldn’t love another child as much as we loved Charlotte. Lexi is sweet and gentle. She’s so sensitive, which adds a little drama to her personality. She thinks her big sister is hilarious, but she also cries when Charlotte gives her even the faintest of touches. This is probably post-traumatic behavior, given that Char has very spontaneously and forcefully whacked her the head numerous times. Things aren’t always easy around here, but it’s never dull.

I am a mother. My children depend on me. That sends chills down spine. My blood literally flows for them. My heart beats for them. My lungs breathe for them. What I love most about being a mom is how much deeper I have fallen in love with myself and with Drew. I don’t feel like I need to be perfect, because they don’t need perfect. In fact, they need to see failure so that they know it’s imperfectly normal. Being a mom means that I am responsible for teaching them all the things. Perfection is a lie. What’s better than being a perfect mom? In my opinion, being a mom who loves her whole self, who can show what it looks like to accept things you can’t change, who can make a mistake or a failure look like a grain of salt when you rise up and try again.

I am a mother who will love her children for exactly who they are. I am a mother who will love them unconditionally, no matter how many times they may hate me. I am a mother who will lead by example and be kind to others. I am a mother who will teach her children about God and all His creations. I am a mother who will be honest to her children. I am a mother who will not be fearful in raising confident, trustworthy, respectful, accepting, and undoubtedly loving children.

I am a mother, and it’s my proudest accomplishment.